By Zach Smith-Michaels
Spoilers (I guess but who cares)
After being forced (by my hand) to watch Disney’s Maleficent for this podcast, the thought of a sequel sent me into a mild rage. After lambasting the 2014 dumpster fire that is Disney’s Maleficent on the podcast, I asked our followers on social media if I should see and review the sequel to Disney’s Maleficent. I expected an overwhelming response from our fans saying “No Zach! Don’t do it! We love you!” The fact that this review exists should tell you what our fans said. They said, “We hate you, Zach! Suffer!” And suffer I did as I watched Maleficent: Mistress of Evil.
I tried to keep an open mind going into this movie. After all, the sequel to Disney’s Maleficent is called Maleficent: Mistress of Evil. I thought to myself, “Hey! Maybe, just maybe, this film will be about Maleficent embracing the evil inside of her that she’s been trying to hide. Maybe Aurora isn’t around to reign her in and Maleficent’s mental demons are telling her to take over the world.” Well, I was wrong!
We open on three bandits who are stealing creatures from the woods. Two of them are captured and killed (not by Maleficent: Mistress of Evil much to my chagrin) but one makes it back to the castle. My immediate reaction. “Yeah! Let’s fight!” This scene was followed by Aurora talking to hideous CGI creatures and getting engaged to the remarkably unremarkable Prince Phillip. Wow. What a boring character, and what a dreadful performance from Harris Dickinson. Doesn’t his name just make you sleepy? We meet Prince Phillip’s parents who are named King Some Old Dude and Michelle Pfeiffer. Michelle Pfeiffer is having the time of her life phoning in this performance. She does just enough to be the best actress in the movie, but also does her best to not be interesting. Michelle wants to go to war with the fairies! Why? The movie doesn’t say. Michelle invites Maleficent to dinner with the family. While THE MISTRESS OF EVIL practices table etiquette, King Some Old Dude suggests that Phillip wear his sword at the dinner table as that will let everyone know that they want peace. Maleficent goes to dinner, and although she is on her very best behavior, Pfeiffer informs Aurora that Maleficent is a bad mom. Maleficent turns to room green and stands up, while Michelle stabs King Some Old Dude with the spindle of a spinning wheel. Yes. That really happens. Aurora runs to the King which sends Maleficent the message that Aurora has chosen this new family to be her family. After causing no harm and zero property damage Maleficent flies away and gets shot with an iron arrow. Another Dark Elf saves her. Where did he come from? How did he know she was in trouble?
So, Maleficent wakes up in the presence of other dark fairies who really want to fight. Chiwetel Ejiofer plays Good Scar from the live action Lion King. Good Scar takes Maleficent on a tour of the Dark Fairies hiding spot…THIS MOVIE IS SO STUPID AND BORING. Somehow Michelle kills Good Scar and that sends the fairies into battle. Good Scar touches Maleficent’s face and then he dies. Blah, blah, blah, Aurora and the CGI creatures are in trouble, blah, blah, Michelle’s army fights the fairies, blah, blah Maleficent shows up, does nothing, turns into a Phoenix, turns Michelle into a goat, blah, blah, blah!
This movie is awful! It’s boring, convoluted, and very loud. There’s no subtlety in this stupid movie. Every performance is bad, the script is a joke, I guess the costume design is cool, but this is two hours of my life that I will never get back!
“But Zach. Why did you expect Maleficent to be evil?”
BECAUSE THE MOVIE IS LITERALLY CALLED “MALEFICENT: MISTRESS OF EVIL!” PRACTICE WHAT YOU PREACH!!!